Mainstream

Why is it that people change often? Why is it that people change because of what other people see as right? It is depressing to see one of my friends fall into that category, i don't care for any of the mainstreaming ideals of the female body but such that if it changes you extremely it'll pretty much bother me to my very core. I don't know why but I hate the idea of dieting in the purpose of just looking good. I hate the idea of taking care of yourself for somebody else and not for you. I understand now how women are actually manipulated in their sense of their own bodies. I wonder what will happen when the ideal image of female is change, is converted into something that is actually considered abnormal. How would females respond to that? what do you think? Should we all act and try to soak in a world where we never touched before? How come, just because of what people say and what people think unconsciously affect us in the most extreme ways. This is hard to say because I am female myself. To criticise my own kind is to let myself be the target of hypocrisy. Honestly, I have wandered what it may feel like to be the ideal female in society's eyes. But just because this one day, I've just realise that it is stupid. It is stupid and I believe that it becomes a mechanism that can torture everyone if the habits persist. I believe that who we are right now is who we are and who we are in the latter still would be who we are, at least there would be the "me element" in it, despite our change of appearance. I don't know if it because that I'm jealous or this is the reality of what is happening to girls especially.
I just think that this is the time for self realisation, for us to look inwards in what we've become and what we've achieved and learn up until this present time.

Past

When I was a kid, I always thought that everything needed to be according to plan. When I was a kid, I thought that everything needed to be in the right order. When I was a kid I though that life would be simple. When I was a kid, I thought everything needed to be according to its best standards. When I was a kid, I was under a spell. Under a spell of goodness. Under a spell oriented towards the good in life. When I was a kid, I was afraid. I was afraid of losing a friend. I was afraid of being used and hurt. I was afraid of not knowing, of failing, of falling down the stairs, of falling deep in thoughts about other people. I was afraid of being put down. I needed to stay on top. When I was a kid, I had no friends. I had no one to turn to at school. When I was a kid  I didn't know life. I didn't know what it felt to rebel from the mainstreams. I didn't know how to speak up. I was a coward. I cowardly accepted mocking jokes from my friends. I cowardly accepted their accusation of me and their look of disgust. When I was a kid, I was at one point hopeless. Hopeless of finding a real friend. When I was a kid I didn't how to start. I didn't know how to start to accept and appreciate others. I had no courtesy of selflessly putting myself out there for another person. I had not plan for this to happen.
I screwed up. Forgive me, of lashing out in fear. Forgive me for not trying. It would be either the past or the present that have made this predicament.

Doomed

I am doomed. I am doomed in confusion. I let myself yield into infinite feelings of ease.Everything seems at ease at first, but when everything just rambles on to your face, it burdens your mind. Every bit in my life right now is in a mess. They're clustered around without any purpose whatsoever. What do I need right now? I am not sure. I am just a piece of person living on earth alone. I am aware that I'm not alone physically, I know. I seem to fail, I seem to wander around without any boundaries that I use to have. I can't  think, I can't think, I can't think. My thoughts are wandering around my mistakes throughout my life. I'm devastated. I am screwed. I am alone and lonely. I am utterly a shame. I am not the same. I am not me My God. I am not me. I can't be me again. I can't. I don;t know how to turn back time and try to reemerge my old self. I can't I don;t know how. I'm a bit hopeless. I can't seem to find the light. It's empty here. I don't know what happened today, but I feel awful. I feel awful, I feel nauseous. I can't handle this. I need time. I need time. I need you. Someone. Someone. Someone. A friend. A friend. I need a friend to lean on. I need to talk to someone. I need to call someone. I need to talk to someone.



I need to find relief. I need to find relief. I need you.

Fear

Just this morning I was extremely happy and thankful, but then after watching a commercial showing old people struggling to keep their lives going it makes me remember something. Life will end for each and everybody in this world. Other than that, I remember my parents. If someone asks me what is my biggest fear, I would say seeing my parents die. I can't imagine my life without them and how I would cope when that day comes. I'm getting older and they're getting older too. There is no way out of death, eventually it will come. No one knows when and how but it will. I'm currently having frequent flashbacks on how I behaved to my parents all these years. Most of the flashbacks were more showing how I was bad to them. How I disappointed them even though they never show it. I just think of ways on how I could compensate that with good things that I can achieve, how I could lessen their burden of me. I don't want to be a burden. Even though people say that parents don't mine their kids go to educational institutions that are expensive, but I fear everyday of making them disappointed. I fear of making them cry. I fear of them leaving me. I fear of them walking away or just be mad at me. I fear of becoming an adult one day and have my parents be disappointed in what I've become. I fear of being far away and never hearing from them again. I fear of the look in my parents eyes when they see me in trouble. I fear of making them ashamed of me.
Because I know that what they need is just for me to do my best, that makes me fear of not being able to do my best in anything that I do. I can't imagine my life without them, I can't imagine how I would mourn when they leave me. I can't imagine how that would go.

Hope

When I see hope, I hold on to it. Hope can be seen in either the smallest glimpse of movement, a small change, or just a straight forward feeling that's sudden out of nowhere. But the thing is, the hope you thought was hope just became a blur suddenly, it becomes hard to capture and absorb because its still raw. But then again the hope is still there so there must be a way to grasp it again in our head and rearrange our thoughts and action to nurture it and make it happen. Just starting from the hope you see in people for example, will make you believe that God has something to offer for all of us. We will never know when it will come but it just happens. It's sort of like an epiphany, an epiphany found in the eyes of a person and you see him or her as a function of hope. I wonder though, if the person you see hope in doesn't realise that you see it in them, then what should we as the looker do? Should we maintain that hope by frequently try to make contact with them or just let them be whatever. Because I think that when the hope emerges, especially is from a person, you sort of can't get your mind off of them and you want to do something for them, but it sucks when they don't realise that. So what shall we do, should we stand here still and just ignore the hope, or should we strive and have that hope grow under your loving care so that they could reach their utmost potential. Is their utmost potential the success of the hope you see in them? Is that their final destination in life? What happens when they've reached it themselves without any of our assistance? Would we still count them as our hope? Should we still try and make chances with them and try to instill our own sets of principles? Are we actually the writers of their stories of reaching highest potential? If not then can we try to be though? Wouldn't that be great if you can make someone change to be a better person? Wouldn't that be rewarding??

If all is no, than I have a different strategy, have hope for each of ourselves then, then it is clear who the actual writers of the success are and it mostly make sense, because who better can help you but yourself in choosing and enacting any decision or action in life that could be extremely life changing for each and every one of us.


So, go out there and have hope for yourselves, and try to nurture and cultivate it day by day so that you're empowered by it's wondrous nature of moving forward. It'll blow your mind away.

"Caprice"

You know what, the universe is always changing in terms of its natural plans for you. For you I mean for each individual. I would think that the circle of people you would encounter would be those in the future, meaning that your encounters are those whom you have never met before. I have those encounters, but those are not as interesting and enlightening as this one. I have never had any personal conversation with my friend, but suddenly something happened.I just knew that I needed to speak to someone that could be a function of novelty in this present life and thankfully it happened. Even though I knew that I wasn't close, but it was nice having small talks and it seemed like I knew what my friend was like. This friend of mine, even though we only had a couple encounters indirectly, was somewhat cool. I'm not sure though if the interest is present because it is novel or that my friend is actually an interesting being. Either way it doesn't matter. But the thing that I like about this event is that also I'm beginning to understand again why it feels so nice to be listened and acknowledged of your own advices.


Thank you for listening my friend, goodbye if you wish I don't mind, but thank you for those small and short encounters, it has been lovely.


Message:  not to go any further I just want to say it is nice to have an old friend who remembers you.

My new home

My new apartment is almost what I had hope for. "Almost" here is because my room is so freakin small and I don't have a cupboard like my other housemates. So I had to borrow a bookshelf from the other room to hold in my clothes which is a lot. Though in a nutshell I still think this new home is still home. I just need to make it my home and be very cooperative but also pointing out my needs to others living with me.
O-week at UQ is very helpful in introducing me to the whole academic system which according to me is very important to understand. SO, it was really great that i got to participate in some of the workshops during that week.
What has been bothering me is that it has been a while since I've written a piece of academic writing. And because of this I am a bit frustrated in how I would start because I know it may be a bit hard to start all over again in writing research reports and academical essays. Frankly, the 3 weeks that I've been here at Brisbane have been an interesting journey but somehow plain at the same time. The reason why I describe is as pale or plain is because I have not started on my assignments yet. I am actually worked out though on planning what I am going to do for the next 2 years ahead, but overall it has been a bit bland I gotta say. Thankfully, in the process of adapting myself in this new environment, I have past experiences that I can go back to, to help me in maintaining myself to be less of a control freak and also uptight.
During these several days filled with introductory lectures, I 've figured out why it is absolutely challenging to study in a different country where diversity is the main aspect that attach students all over, whether domestic or international. I am very grateful to say that international students here are well catered through the university programs in a form of workshops and seminars. What has make me extremely excited is to attend the lifestyle courses offered which of course later after that, I hope I can choose a club or take extracurricular courses that can complement my study at UQ.

With all the problems that I am facing right now, basically, I am having fun and I hope it stays like this during my 2 years.

6 Pillars

When it was time for college, I've always had a mindset that the friends that I'll meet will be distinctly different compared to those in highschool. This difference had frightened me before I entered the program. When orientation began, we all clustered in one circle and started to introduced ourselves to each other. Some seemed very ignorant, some seemed snobbish-ed, but some seemed down to earth.
Well, those were several of my first impressions of them. Some of it was right though. I gotta say, I am very thankful that I am surrounded by these people in my batch. They not only have led me into becoming a better person, but they've also helped me understand that everyone is of course different. That was the first lesson.That is my overall comment on the journey of being in the same class with all of them over the past 2 years. In this class, I am very close to five girls. These girls have their own hobbies, have their own experiences, and have their own needs. The merging of us 6 was because there was a certain similarity among us. I don't know what it is, but it has kept us going for 2 years. I gotta say this is a very wonderful feeling. And of course  it is satisfying in a way because you know you have friends. Each person represents a powerful source of energy, of which when it is combined with the rest of the people in the group, the bound becomes glowing in a way that a naked eye would be hard to perceive. Although there are times when conflicts emerge, there is always someone that can warm things down. The waves of different traits balances each other out that creates a harmonious relationship amongst the six of us. If metaphor-ed, we are like pillars, pillars that can stand individually and are very powerful when standing together.

New Beginning

I have actually pondered what it would be like when Uni life begins again in a new area. Don't you think that I too deserve a break at least a year to get me started on all these academical tasks that could overwhelm me in the future if I don't prepare enough? To lessen my burdening thoughts, I came to a lot of people for justification on how I can survive in that new place. Turned out to be encouraging although the fear always came through my mind once in a while despite all the chaos that has been going around. All the packing is almost done, but I still wonder how I would fit all of my belongings in my suitcase. A lot of my friends planned to bring a lot of things to this new home. They had already been shipped there stuff, but I think I won't bring that many things as them.

My dad always said that everything that we don't know can be learned. I believe in what he said, however, to me it's still frightening to start and learn new things. I am truly not a  risk taker unlike some of my closest people. I am a more prepared, conscientious person when making major decisions. Is this a bad thing though? Would it actually help me? Does this provide a distinction to others? Can it just be that easy to decide?
It is pretty obvious that I don't want to be indecisive, I just want to be precise and dominantly in control on how my days would turn out. But I guess, the higher power here is not to be handled by me as a fragile being.
I would just have to strive and pray that positive outcomes will come continuously for the rest of my life.

Finals before starters

Controversy, contentions, this and that of disagreement have led us in not being able to trust one another. Egocentric minds have lead us in being more individualistic, and sometimes only seek good times in anyone we encounter. I believe that the final step of this journey would be the hardest than the last two years. Do the years to come have places for people to experience pleasure? Do the years to come have opportunities for people like me to expand further? After the final stepping stone of this journey is overcome, may all the wondering and excitement redeem within the individuals themselves rather being exploited to everyone whom we meet. 

Interestingly, I've found the way to control my speculative nature when observing people because I don't want to be too cautious to everyone I meet. It is better to have the final draft of this ending chapter here molded into memories of experiences that influence the existence of our very own selves. An act of introspection is the best solution to bridge gaps between people who both don't realize their actual disagreements. So, this is not an ending, it's more of a beginning to be better people.
Tomorrow and the days to come will be freakishly scary I bet.

                       Never let the fear of loosing identity eat you alive through making you less active in things that you love, in the things that you're actually good at and in the things that means the most.

Tweeting Quotes

Eyes may be tired of watching the screen, but the spirit to learn and interpret its message and function will never die.

the ocean waves at us as if it was inviting us to see its beauty. it seems like it's approaching us because it seems lonely.

May all generations exceed their talent as a form of hope for this world's future

Whatever happens there in the future, there's no room for depression after failure because it's not worthy of my time and effort.

The decision to get closer and to take initiative in the process of knowing others take courage to just ask "hey what's your name?

beautiful minds unite as one cluster of brilliance that can penetrate changes in this world

Kerikil-kerikil kecil

I know that there's no such thing as being a perfect person, but why did God have to make people have drives to obtain this nonsense perfection? Don't people have there own flaws? It's just there decisions on whether to show them or not. I reckon flaws of people are merely hindrance of success and as a reminder for them that you can't make everything according to the demands of good. Special experiences in life are meant to trigger your curiosities to discover you not anyone else. Never in a million years I've met anyone who mentioned to have never made any mistakes in life. But what if the mistakes are done again? What if it can't stop? What if it's like addiction to substance or any other kinds of bad habits we can imagined. Barriers in society reflects the bounding chains of behaviours which can manipulate souls. I didn't recognize any wrongness of my actions until people begin to start discussing it, I realized that it was wrong to begin with, but I've kept doing it. I can't stop. My will of good was trapped underneath strong drives of excitement. Anyway, the only path I've chosen is to still be near God. I don't want to perceive myself as being confused and not knowing who I am. I've tried so hard to avoid that. But in fact, it turns that  don't know exactly. I act strong to make it seem like I was. I can't stand it anymore. For once, I want to be the one that is dependent on someone for something. Anything. But not too dependent of course. I don't want to and I can't be like this anymore. I have to find the balanced between power and living the actual life.




Can't I just start over, can it be just about me this time? I want this so bad. I want freedom, barriers of demands on good behaviours need to be broken for a while. Surfacing the urged of seeking real excitement in life is what I want to pursue. I want to try everything to be frank. But the question is, is it possible? How do I get out of the hole of boundaries of perfection?

element

       There was this book that I read but I haven't finished it yet because all of these damn assignments. Well anyway, this book was talking about finding your element. An element here is a state of mind, body and soul, that possess you in a good way though. It was quite interesting to read it, cause all of the examples given illustrate the major problem that we all have actually. It signifies that every person in this world has their own element. When people have found it, that it is easy to to go along with life because you would have something to hold on to that you can be proud of  

           Imagine yourself that you were to became this amazing person who knew that you want in life. You know your passion, you work with that passion, and you enter a world that is especially for you. Imagine how that would make you feel?? Wouldn't it be swell to have that? I know it would. As a person who is still searching for her element, I know what it's like to be stuck in situations where you don't know what your passion is in life, you like going to places without any particular purpose, and you get confused with the things that you do, you're never satisfied with yourself too. It's hard I know, but the thing is, we all go through these phases of confusion that sort of tangles and strangle you in a unique way. People in the book mentioned were very fast of finding their element because they had help from their closest people. We're like this right now because we haven't evaluate ourselves and extract the fundamental purpose that we each all have.          I guess that we're all wondering then, how do we find "this element'?? To be frank, I don't know too. I think there's supposed to be a start up line that we can follow and go along. Good luck. We all need it.

Bound To You

Sweet love, sweet love
Trapped in your love
I've opened up, unsure I can trust
My heart and I were buried in dust
Free me, free us

You’re all I need when I’m holding you tight
If you walk away I will suffer tonight

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains
I finally found my way
I am bound to you
I am bound to you

So much, so young
I’ve faced on my own
Walls I built up became my home
I’m strong and I’m sure there’s a fire in us
Sweet love, so pure

I catch my breath with just one beating heart
And I brace myself, please don’t tear this apart

I found a man I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can’t you see that I’m bound in chains
I finally found my way
I am bound to you
I am bound to

Suddenly the moment’s here
I embrace my fears
All that I have been carrying all these years
Do I risk it all
Come this far just to fall, fall

Oh, I can trust
And boy, I believe in us
I am terrified to love for the first time
Can you see that I’m bound in chains
And finally found my way
I am bound to you

I am,
Ooh, I am
I’m bound to you

Latent variable

           I've always thought that my major was some sort of discipline which covers all of the abstract ideas that a doctor can not touch. It's so difficult to uncover the deep feelings of people. I mean, how do you measure someone's appreciation over something? What about pain of heartbreak or misery caused by something untouchable such as a mistaken love that creeps into our souls. You never know when it would last, today, tomorrow or forever there is no idea on that. I for one refuse to be trapped in the tragic love story of love. Unlike some people, I don't think that love should be difficult, it just needs understanding from both sides actually. You don't need to burden yourself in the name of your love. Put it this way, you feel that right now your love is answered with a certain treatment which you thought was especially for you, but it turned out that  it was the same thing which that person had given to others.      

Marry Me - Train

Forever can never be long enough for me
Feel like I've had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won't let them see
But there's one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way
Marry Me
Today and every day
Marry Me
If I ever get the nerve to say
Hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Together can never be close enough for me
Feel like I am close enough to you
You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love
And you're beautiful
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way
Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

And marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Marry me
Mm-hmm

Confusion

I'm beginning to realize that Erikson's theory on psychosocial development is actually applicable to my life specifically. Speaking about his theory I want to emphasize his stage of intimacy vs isolation stage. No wonder it felt like hell when you actually open your heart to someone but then you realize your not the same person you were before you were with him. That circled my mind and tangled up all of the connections of my neurons that was set to make a good network to link a certain concept. Never in a million years I started to consider again the doubts of this concept which I'm not going to say explicitly. For all of you guys who understood the virtue of Erikson's stages i bet you know what I'm talking about. It seems that this concept frames the mind as if it doesn't have the central control to navigate actions from stupidity. Stupidity refers to just silly verbal conversations accompanied by strange composure which girls tend to do when they're faced with that one guy who they think is the one. I for one object this concept to ever affect my actions that could lead to stupidity. But I got to say we're not all perfect in this world, I agree that it can affect you in a certain way, but it's just not that extreme for me. 

Traumatic past

Don't you think that everyone should have at least experienced one traumatic event in there past? I know I did. It was 10 years ago I think when the last years I was finishing elementary school. I had gone bike riding with my friends, there were 3 of them I think. And we'd gone across the road outside of my neighborhood. Then it started to rain. One of my friends asked me if I had some money with me. I think she wanted me to treat her I guess. Well, at that time I thought that we were just going to go to ride our bikes, so I didn't bring any. After that, she immediately said that it's time to end the bike riding activity. At first I thought that it was logical for her to end it because hello it was raining, drizzling I think. But a few seconds after she had said that, it struck me like a needle through my hand, she wanted to end it not only because of the rain but also because I didn't have any money with me. This "money incident" happened a couple of times but with different alterations of the situations. However, it was always her who initiated that I should be the one who always treat them and stuff. I know that they weren't as privileged as I was, but still, I always had this thought in my head that when people, and I mean any type of people, engage in what I know as friendship, they don't just hang out or play together because of their materialistic values. That's just mean and sick. People should have this wonderful bond because of the person that they are. Not because of their money per se.
So, all of the bullying events that I had encountered throughout my elementary years was the main reason why I wanted to study psychology. I want to find the answers why a kid my age was being treated like that. And why had my friends behaved in a certain way. Was it because of their own will or something else?
Answers, answers, that's what I need.

Maybe Yes and No

So anyway, I know that I'm supposed to go somewhere after these last 6 months in uni to move to another uni. I never thought that I was having doubts on whether I should go or not. It just seems so overwhelming to think about how would my parents pay for all of the living costs plus the tuition fees. Moving along, another doubt emerges because of me being afraid of not being able to follow the assignments at the future uni. It seemed like a a dream when Peter told us of what sort of things we should look out for, and other precautions that we need to know on how to survive in an Australian university. nonetheless, I figured that maybe I could survive if I could just keep my head up and don't easily crumble if and when hardship stumbles me around. Focusing on the doubt again, I'm not sure if I know what I'm suppose to do there and what type of minor I should study. The thought of failing creeps the bejeezez out of me because I don't want that to happen (I think all of you would agree on that too). So, let's just hope that everything will work out fine in the end. yep, that's probably the best way to look upon the doubts.