Mainstream

Why is it that people change often? Why is it that people change because of what other people see as right? It is depressing to see one of my friends fall into that category, i don't care for any of the mainstreaming ideals of the female body but such that if it changes you extremely it'll pretty much bother me to my very core. I don't know why but I hate the idea of dieting in the purpose of just looking good. I hate the idea of taking care of yourself for somebody else and not for you. I understand now how women are actually manipulated in their sense of their own bodies. I wonder what will happen when the ideal image of female is change, is converted into something that is actually considered abnormal. How would females respond to that? what do you think? Should we all act and try to soak in a world where we never touched before? How come, just because of what people say and what people think unconsciously affect us in the most extreme ways. This is hard to say because I am female myself. To criticise my own kind is to let myself be the target of hypocrisy. Honestly, I have wandered what it may feel like to be the ideal female in society's eyes. But just because this one day, I've just realise that it is stupid. It is stupid and I believe that it becomes a mechanism that can torture everyone if the habits persist. I believe that who we are right now is who we are and who we are in the latter still would be who we are, at least there would be the "me element" in it, despite our change of appearance. I don't know if it because that I'm jealous or this is the reality of what is happening to girls especially.
I just think that this is the time for self realisation, for us to look inwards in what we've become and what we've achieved and learn up until this present time.

Past

When I was a kid, I always thought that everything needed to be according to plan. When I was a kid, I thought that everything needed to be in the right order. When I was a kid I though that life would be simple. When I was a kid, I thought everything needed to be according to its best standards. When I was a kid, I was under a spell. Under a spell of goodness. Under a spell oriented towards the good in life. When I was a kid, I was afraid. I was afraid of losing a friend. I was afraid of being used and hurt. I was afraid of not knowing, of failing, of falling down the stairs, of falling deep in thoughts about other people. I was afraid of being put down. I needed to stay on top. When I was a kid, I had no friends. I had no one to turn to at school. When I was a kid  I didn't know life. I didn't know what it felt to rebel from the mainstreams. I didn't know how to speak up. I was a coward. I cowardly accepted mocking jokes from my friends. I cowardly accepted their accusation of me and their look of disgust. When I was a kid, I was at one point hopeless. Hopeless of finding a real friend. When I was a kid I didn't how to start. I didn't know how to start to accept and appreciate others. I had no courtesy of selflessly putting myself out there for another person. I had not plan for this to happen.
I screwed up. Forgive me, of lashing out in fear. Forgive me for not trying. It would be either the past or the present that have made this predicament.