Doomed

I am doomed. I am doomed in confusion. I let myself yield into infinite feelings of ease.Everything seems at ease at first, but when everything just rambles on to your face, it burdens your mind. Every bit in my life right now is in a mess. They're clustered around without any purpose whatsoever. What do I need right now? I am not sure. I am just a piece of person living on earth alone. I am aware that I'm not alone physically, I know. I seem to fail, I seem to wander around without any boundaries that I use to have. I can't  think, I can't think, I can't think. My thoughts are wandering around my mistakes throughout my life. I'm devastated. I am screwed. I am alone and lonely. I am utterly a shame. I am not the same. I am not me My God. I am not me. I can't be me again. I can't. I don;t know how to turn back time and try to reemerge my old self. I can't I don;t know how. I'm a bit hopeless. I can't seem to find the light. It's empty here. I don't know what happened today, but I feel awful. I feel awful, I feel nauseous. I can't handle this. I need time. I need time. I need you. Someone. Someone. Someone. A friend. A friend. I need a friend to lean on. I need to talk to someone. I need to call someone. I need to talk to someone.



I need to find relief. I need to find relief. I need you.

Fear

Just this morning I was extremely happy and thankful, but then after watching a commercial showing old people struggling to keep their lives going it makes me remember something. Life will end for each and everybody in this world. Other than that, I remember my parents. If someone asks me what is my biggest fear, I would say seeing my parents die. I can't imagine my life without them and how I would cope when that day comes. I'm getting older and they're getting older too. There is no way out of death, eventually it will come. No one knows when and how but it will. I'm currently having frequent flashbacks on how I behaved to my parents all these years. Most of the flashbacks were more showing how I was bad to them. How I disappointed them even though they never show it. I just think of ways on how I could compensate that with good things that I can achieve, how I could lessen their burden of me. I don't want to be a burden. Even though people say that parents don't mine their kids go to educational institutions that are expensive, but I fear everyday of making them disappointed. I fear of making them cry. I fear of them leaving me. I fear of them walking away or just be mad at me. I fear of becoming an adult one day and have my parents be disappointed in what I've become. I fear of being far away and never hearing from them again. I fear of the look in my parents eyes when they see me in trouble. I fear of making them ashamed of me.
Because I know that what they need is just for me to do my best, that makes me fear of not being able to do my best in anything that I do. I can't imagine my life without them, I can't imagine how I would mourn when they leave me. I can't imagine how that would go.

Hope

When I see hope, I hold on to it. Hope can be seen in either the smallest glimpse of movement, a small change, or just a straight forward feeling that's sudden out of nowhere. But the thing is, the hope you thought was hope just became a blur suddenly, it becomes hard to capture and absorb because its still raw. But then again the hope is still there so there must be a way to grasp it again in our head and rearrange our thoughts and action to nurture it and make it happen. Just starting from the hope you see in people for example, will make you believe that God has something to offer for all of us. We will never know when it will come but it just happens. It's sort of like an epiphany, an epiphany found in the eyes of a person and you see him or her as a function of hope. I wonder though, if the person you see hope in doesn't realise that you see it in them, then what should we as the looker do? Should we maintain that hope by frequently try to make contact with them or just let them be whatever. Because I think that when the hope emerges, especially is from a person, you sort of can't get your mind off of them and you want to do something for them, but it sucks when they don't realise that. So what shall we do, should we stand here still and just ignore the hope, or should we strive and have that hope grow under your loving care so that they could reach their utmost potential. Is their utmost potential the success of the hope you see in them? Is that their final destination in life? What happens when they've reached it themselves without any of our assistance? Would we still count them as our hope? Should we still try and make chances with them and try to instill our own sets of principles? Are we actually the writers of their stories of reaching highest potential? If not then can we try to be though? Wouldn't that be great if you can make someone change to be a better person? Wouldn't that be rewarding??

If all is no, than I have a different strategy, have hope for each of ourselves then, then it is clear who the actual writers of the success are and it mostly make sense, because who better can help you but yourself in choosing and enacting any decision or action in life that could be extremely life changing for each and every one of us.


So, go out there and have hope for yourselves, and try to nurture and cultivate it day by day so that you're empowered by it's wondrous nature of moving forward. It'll blow your mind away.

"Caprice"

You know what, the universe is always changing in terms of its natural plans for you. For you I mean for each individual. I would think that the circle of people you would encounter would be those in the future, meaning that your encounters are those whom you have never met before. I have those encounters, but those are not as interesting and enlightening as this one. I have never had any personal conversation with my friend, but suddenly something happened.I just knew that I needed to speak to someone that could be a function of novelty in this present life and thankfully it happened. Even though I knew that I wasn't close, but it was nice having small talks and it seemed like I knew what my friend was like. This friend of mine, even though we only had a couple encounters indirectly, was somewhat cool. I'm not sure though if the interest is present because it is novel or that my friend is actually an interesting being. Either way it doesn't matter. But the thing that I like about this event is that also I'm beginning to understand again why it feels so nice to be listened and acknowledged of your own advices.


Thank you for listening my friend, goodbye if you wish I don't mind, but thank you for those small and short encounters, it has been lovely.


Message:  not to go any further I just want to say it is nice to have an old friend who remembers you.