Random lightness

I walk forward thinking I might fly away soon enough and never comeback. But then I pause for a moment and become mindful. I become aware of the things I have done and become most aware of what can become of me. Then I am able to walk again. I walk again knowingly of what comes. I pause again. Afraid of what I have become. But then I keep walking again with a feeling of lightness.  I keep trying to see myself. Isn't that a weird sentence for me to make. "I keep trying to see myself". What has become of me and what I will become later. I keep trying to see. Oh wait, what I meant to say is that I keep trying to understand myself. 

I'm going to keep going. Forward.

Between Two.

I always thought that if all you keep doing is right in another's eye you'll be safe.

No constant hagering of why didn't you do this and that will be diminished.

But to me now, I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore. 

Everything seems okay to me.

But maybe not okay to others whom I grew up with.

Every single day I feel that my steps are being watched.

Being evaluated, and at the end there will be a grade.

That grade will determine what's in-store for me.

Over these past couple of months, I encountered a very difficult point in my life.

I was in between choices.

Both choices were good for me.

One of which had more appeal.

The offer was great.

But in every offer there are always pros and cons to it.

I was in a predicament. I thought.

I thought,

what if this opportunity never comes back again?

What if this was it?

Was the only chance?

But I wasn't sure.

I would be lying to myself that I liked it.

I only liked the ending of the offer.

The ending of the offer would left me with additional letters after my name.

Sounds appealing to me. To me 2 years ago. I would have taken it in a heartbeat.

I chose a different way.

This one I liked as well. 

It still is within my goals in the next ten years of what I want to be.

But short-term.

Diversity

Diversity can be based on many things, skin, brain, money, and etc. We are individuals that may have a few or many commonalities with others. What I don't understand is why it is hard to accept that. Jealousy comes when we don't have the same type of capability as others, we don't fit in with others. There's always one major exclusion remark that we often acknowledge in a certain group and we feel very ashamed of ourselves. It all depends on our perception of it though. The best thing that we can do is surround ourselves with groups of people that will stand beside us no matter what. A group where our functionality is recognized and appreciated.

Heartbreak

You know what happens to people that are left out out of heartbreak? They stay inside their boundaries hopelessly waiting for some magical figure that could help them escape their misery. I reckon people don't always get a lot out of heartbreak. People don't get a lot. Events like these need thorough redemption as it could spook any one whose ever been broken later on in life. It just builds up. Just like that. Unlike people that have gone far to actually pertain their principles to not be a victim of heartbreak, I bet they have some sort of power of surpassing it either through neglect or actually confronting the source. Anyways, in my experience heartbreaks happens when a person realise  that we have certain special feelings towards a person. I remember my parents telling me that a lady should never show that they are attracted to a guy before the guy makes a move. I think what they're trying to say is don't do anything stupid to obtain a goal that is unexpected such as being liked back. But anyways, to this point I realise that they're right in some ways. But what happens if you don't try? Don't people always say that you'll regret any opportunity that happens to be right there in your face but you just decided to chickened out??

Think about this, if you don't try to have somebody in your life, to let a person become a part of your heart because you're too afraid of being brokenhearted again, you're not living. You'll miss a possible experience of extreme joy or even worse, you might lose your actual soul mate. I don't think there's an issue in deciding for your heart. You can take in many suggestions as possible from people you trust, but still, they don't know your true feelings towards a person. You'd be the one that go along the journey. I say take a chance. If all fails, at least there's no regret in never trying.

Therapy

My kind of therapy is basically just letting things out. For a minute you would think I often talk to people about my feelings I bet. Well, that is sort of true. But to be more in depth with what I am thinking and feeling about, people actually don't have any ideas. Only those that i have allowed to fall through my heart and is able to capture my current thoughts and dreams are those who understand fully who I am. Those who have managed to bring me light and have shown me compassion are those who have my true soul. I am not saying that all of me is a lie. But better I write than talk that could lead into misinterpretation of my true thoughts. Better my therapy is in a form of one-on-one conversation. Better my therapy is about me writing in this space right now. I hoped to know that someday I will find my ultimate therapy because the things that I am doing right now relays the depressive thoughts and my instability.

Death

I've always fear of this event. That one day when somebody you know or maybe don't know, is taken away by God and have their bodies decomposed into minute parts. It's horrifying to even imagine your loved one or even you yourself experiencing that. I know that eternity is not in the cards for me and not for everyone. There's no eternal glory except in movies, there is no eternal love except when it is acknowledged by others as well. How would you want to be eternal? How would any one be able to create that concept? I just imagine myself being capable of resisting sickness and all sorts of wrong going on in this world. I am so grateful for that. I have never been in a dangerous position where I have to surrender my money, my belongings or even my own body for my own life. I am so thankful for not having had such terrifying experience like that. I just come to know that people all over the world have different outlooks on life. And how they manage to perpetuate their thoughts and opinions are fascinating. In each individual there are countless indescribable sudden reactions to certain events, be it dangerous or just casual encounters. I have no idea why all of sudden I'm thinking about death, and how I managed to linked this concept with people's thoughts being different. Maybe it's because I just had seen these videos on youtube about real crimes and murders. I was horrified and shocked because of what had happened in that part of the world and try to figure out how could that even happened in the first place. I never knew that anyone would ever want to kill somebody without a motive. Or not exactly a motive but a sudden feeling of hatred. Wait, maybe that's a motive. Oh well. I just think people ought to be educated well for this to be prevented. But, I know that this is almost impossible to reach out every one in this world from birth to death so that they could be taught on how to behave and be respectful to others freedom.

Mainstream

Why is it that people change often? Why is it that people change because of what other people see as right? It is depressing to see one of my friends fall into that category, i don't care for any of the mainstreaming ideals of the female body but such that if it changes you extremely it'll pretty much bother me to my very core. I don't know why but I hate the idea of dieting in the purpose of just looking good. I hate the idea of taking care of yourself for somebody else and not for you. I understand now how women are actually manipulated in their sense of their own bodies. I wonder what will happen when the ideal image of female is change, is converted into something that is actually considered abnormal. How would females respond to that? what do you think? Should we all act and try to soak in a world where we never touched before? How come, just because of what people say and what people think unconsciously affect us in the most extreme ways. This is hard to say because I am female myself. To criticise my own kind is to let myself be the target of hypocrisy. Honestly, I have wandered what it may feel like to be the ideal female in society's eyes. But just because this one day, I've just realise that it is stupid. It is stupid and I believe that it becomes a mechanism that can torture everyone if the habits persist. I believe that who we are right now is who we are and who we are in the latter still would be who we are, at least there would be the "me element" in it, despite our change of appearance. I don't know if it because that I'm jealous or this is the reality of what is happening to girls especially.
I just think that this is the time for self realisation, for us to look inwards in what we've become and what we've achieved and learn up until this present time.