Doomed

I am doomed. I am doomed in confusion. I let myself yield into infinite feelings of ease.Everything seems at ease at first, but when everything just rambles on to your face, it burdens your mind. Every bit in my life right now is in a mess. They're clustered around without any purpose whatsoever. What do I need right now? I am not sure. I am just a piece of person living on earth alone. I am aware that I'm not alone physically, I know. I seem to fail, I seem to wander around without any boundaries that I use to have. I can't  think, I can't think, I can't think. My thoughts are wandering around my mistakes throughout my life. I'm devastated. I am screwed. I am alone and lonely. I am utterly a shame. I am not the same. I am not me My God. I am not me. I can't be me again. I can't. I don;t know how to turn back time and try to reemerge my old self. I can't I don;t know how. I'm a bit hopeless. I can't seem to find the light. It's empty here. I don't know what happened today, but I feel awful. I feel awful, I feel nauseous. I can't handle this. I need time. I need time. I need you. Someone. Someone. Someone. A friend. A friend. I need a friend to lean on. I need to talk to someone. I need to call someone. I need to talk to someone.



I need to find relief. I need to find relief. I need you.

Fear

Just this morning I was extremely happy and thankful, but then after watching a commercial showing old people struggling to keep their lives going it makes me remember something. Life will end for each and everybody in this world. Other than that, I remember my parents. If someone asks me what is my biggest fear, I would say seeing my parents die. I can't imagine my life without them and how I would cope when that day comes. I'm getting older and they're getting older too. There is no way out of death, eventually it will come. No one knows when and how but it will. I'm currently having frequent flashbacks on how I behaved to my parents all these years. Most of the flashbacks were more showing how I was bad to them. How I disappointed them even though they never show it. I just think of ways on how I could compensate that with good things that I can achieve, how I could lessen their burden of me. I don't want to be a burden. Even though people say that parents don't mine their kids go to educational institutions that are expensive, but I fear everyday of making them disappointed. I fear of making them cry. I fear of them leaving me. I fear of them walking away or just be mad at me. I fear of becoming an adult one day and have my parents be disappointed in what I've become. I fear of being far away and never hearing from them again. I fear of the look in my parents eyes when they see me in trouble. I fear of making them ashamed of me.
Because I know that what they need is just for me to do my best, that makes me fear of not being able to do my best in anything that I do. I can't imagine my life without them, I can't imagine how I would mourn when they leave me. I can't imagine how that would go.